Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Randomize
