i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I met the friendliest cop last night
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Randomize
