His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
