Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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