MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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