News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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