You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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