HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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