and you said cock pushups were impossible
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
