How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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