my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
