put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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