Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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