you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
