a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
