He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
