If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
