first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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