If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
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