i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
