everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
