I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
