if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
