hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
