watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
They took my balls.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
