Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
