I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
