My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
