I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Acid is not a monday night drug
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
