Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
