i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
