I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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