Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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