I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
