peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
