i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
