I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
