ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
