So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
