Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
