i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
