my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
