john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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