He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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