Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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