You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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