The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
