never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
