Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
