there's paper in my vomit.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
