dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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