He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
