i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
